Archive for the ‘FUNNY, FUNNY PEOPLE’ Category

Puce Abuse – A Limerick

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

(Dedicated To Tanya Ness)



















M. Schroeder

June 26, 1991

Ultimate Halloween Monster Mash Party Menu

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

Appetizers: Mummy Mini Meatballs, Creep Creature Caviar on Tortured Toast Points, Buffalo Batwings, Frankenstein Freaktattas, Vulture Vittlettes Salads: Ghostly Greens with Vampire Vinaigrette, Morticia Melon, Black Widow Spiderberries Served on a Bed of Web w/Scream Entrées: Caldron Chicken, Frightened Fish Filets, Baked Breast of Bat, Pirate Sword Poked Tenderloin Sides: Monster Mashed Potatoes with Eyeball Gravy, Goblin Green Beans, Koffin Kielbasa Kassoulet Breads: Dark Reaper Rolls, Buried Baked Bread, Frightening Favabean Fritters Desserts: Crème Ghoulee, Pumpkin Panic Pie, and Flash-Fried Eye Scream Wines: Zombie Zinfandel, Wicked Witch Wine, Jack Ripper Riesling Black Raven Rancid Brew or Tarantula Hair Tea – complimentary M.Clary October, 2004

The Tale of ‘Ol Natural Howard

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

Come ‘round neer ‘n listen….thar’s a tale I’d like ta share ‘bout a man named ‘OL NATURAL HOWARD….who dun made us all uh ware Of bad thangs a happenin’….tew R Planit Earth Sew he intraduced the ‘The Naaaaaaatural Way’….’n all that it twus wurth Thar R thoz who tern thar heads….’n look tha uther whey Thell dun hire Chem-Kill….’n use airuh-sole bugg spray It dont seam ta madder….the mor chemculs thay breethe R deestroyin’ prechuss hewmin sells….yet thay juss dont beleev Back sum tyme, a lite wen off….insyde ‘OL NATURAL’S head “I juss caint be a sittin’….why the hole world cud end up dedd. I gotta figger outta whey….ta git folks ta uhgree.” Sew he hi-tailed it to Talk Radio….on W B A P Soon he started yackin’….evr week inta that mike Rote books and knews artickuls….went ‘TV public’ with his lyfe He dun got hisseff sum sponsurs….and a deddicated crew Muved 4word with a misshun….ta be atellin’ us whut ta dew Sum folks begun ta lissen….’n started callin’ inn With queschuns ‘bout sick trees ‘n shrubs….plus ‘lil booger frends ‘OL NATURAL’S got an anser….if somethun, it dont grow And he ain’t never been tew proud ta say….”I’ll find out, if I dont kno !!” Beecomin’ ahl orghaneek….it aint’ kno bran knew sigh-unce Its gittin’ back ta basicks….’n phormin’ a uh-ligh-unce Ta dispoze uv all tha toxick junk….sintheticks, carsin o’gins ‘N holler at thoz signtists….at gud ‘ol A & CheM” Now listun up ‘Orghaneephobes’….juss try sum Garrett Juice Bild yerseff a Hoo-Haw Heep….turn it…’n keep it loos Air rate yer Terra Firma….’n bild orghaneek chontent Purdy soon yew’ll sea the Flora…..’n wander whar tha weeds went And ta you, ‘Listners ‘O Nature’….yew kno whut causes harm Dont madder if yer a city slick….or growd up on uh farm Yew no ‘bout tham far ants….’n sneekee liddle weevuls ‘n dont fergit ‘squito sprayin’….tha bigger uv thoz evuls Sew, take tha tale fer whut its wurth….but phorce yerseff ta bee Vidgelant in writin’ EPA, FDA…..’n RISE in ‘ol DC Join ‘OL NATURAL’S Dirt Diggers….share his messige evrware If evr thars a Missin’ Link….’OL NATURAL…will bee thar!!! M.Clary April, 2004

The Ballad of Phlash Phelps

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

Come listen to a story….. ‘bout a guy named PHLASH Was born to be a DJ.….and good at talkin’ trash He’s such a natural…..and his PHans all agree No one can replace him…..his job should be guaranteed !! PHorever, that is…..PHat Paychecks…..PHinancial PHuture He’s worked a lot of places…..the Virgin Islands to Indiana, Washington…..just to name a PHew Now he’s with the XM… by satellite Playin’ songs PHrom DC…..a Baby Boomers’ delight PHour Seasons, that is…..PHifth Dimension…..PHolk Songs PHLASH has been through every state… the U S A Names ‘em all in 30 seconds…..on any given day Recites the backwards alPHhabet… is such a breeze Plus he has a PHascination…..PHor the letter “P” “PH” that is…..PHunny PHarm…. PHan Clan PHLASH shares terrestrial space ….. with two other dudes The innovative expert, “CLEVE”…..and “MOTORMOUTH” too Replayin’ all the memories…..The 60’s on 6 It’s worth the paid subscription… get a satellite PHix PHen-O-menal, that is…..PHixin’ To Be…..PHab-U-lous Now we PHans would like to say… PHLASH and all his PHriends You should be very gratePHul…..that we PHaithfully tune in Be good to us, ‘Your PHollowing’…..and we will get along We’ll know how much you like us…..when you play our PHavorite song Y’all Keep Playin’ ‘Em, Now……Ya Hear???!!! 444 PHrom PHairview, TEXAS aka: M.Clary, April 2004

The Natural Way Song

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

[Sung to the tune: "Buckwheat Cakes"] The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ Saturday and Sunday morn — Turn on the rad-i-o Listen weekdays on TV — Learn what you need to know ….about The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ Howard Garret is the man — Dirt Doctor his trade name He can answer questions ‘cause — To him this is no game ….it’s The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ When we have sick trees ‘n shrubs — Can’t rid ourselves of pests Call or mail the Dirt Doctor — He’ll put our minds to rest ….with The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ There are things that we can do — Toss out toxic collections Replace them with some compost tea — There’ll be a resurrection ….of The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ Becoming ‘all organic’ now — Is not a brand new science It’s getting back to basics — And forming an alliance ….with The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ So listen up ‘Organiphobes’ — Just try some Garrett Juice Build yourself a compost heap — Turn it and keep it loose Remember to aerate your soil – Build organic content Very soon you’ll see results — Then wonder where the weeds went ….Cause…..You’ve…..Tried…. The Natural Way, The Natural Way…..To make our lives worth livin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’ll get back more than we’re givin’ Once we try The Natural Way…..We’re backto Healthyyyyyyyy Livinnnnnnnnn !! M.Clary March, 2004

Pam’s 50th Birthday Bash!

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

(Sung to the tune of: "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean") This gal named Pam has turned 50 You may find it hard to believe She still looks so young and so pretty Few wrinkles or crows feet you’ll see Our Pam was an only child And grew up in Aggie country She married her junior high sweetheart Had two kids named Kyle and Kaylee Bridge: Fifty…………Fifty You’ve left the old age of youth….Next Page!! Fifty…………Fifty You’re now in the youth of old age!! Now Pam owns a farm down in Bryan A nice house on Kiowa lake She appreciates what life has to offer Like great wine, fine jewelry, chocolate cake And when she starts feeling weary Won’t sit around because it’s a sin She’ll go out and play some hard tennis Then relax at the spa in Austin Bridge: Her career now’s with McDougal Littell Much more fun that at Prentiss-Hall She sure knows how to sell those textbooks Sometimes it just takes one phone call One day when she finally retires She knows what she would like to do….by far! Sell feathers and marshmallows From the trunk of her Lexus car Bridge: Dear Pam, enjoy your birthday You’ve been here a half century We know you count all of your blessings You’re the best that you can be Please know how much we all love you Or we wouldn’t be here right now Take all of these fine words of wisdom You go girl! Now just take a bow! M. Clary January 3, 2003

The Xmas Gift

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

'Twas the week before Christmas…and all through the town Public Works staff was kickin'…to wind everything down From all the inspections….'n removing illegal signs And prayin' real hard….for NO broken lines Now these guys are good men…I want you to know They're here to serve Fairview…in sun, rain or snow With Duane as the "main man"…and his great disposition Ensurin' town trucks stay…in good mechanical condition Then we have Chad…a really likeable guy And hardworkin' Robert…kinda quiet 'n shy Cruisin' on in we have…Glenn, Martin and Ray And that "cool dude" named Darin….what more can I say? Now, the rest of the staff…they're as great as can be! But they all have one gripe…and it's quite plain to see That they're gettin' real tired…of sweepin' the floor From all the gunk tracked in…from Town Hall's back door To resolve this dilemma…I would like to present A special Santa's Helper…from North Pole 'twas sent It should hold a place of honor…and get rid of the crud And all the other stuff…that gets stuck in the mud Now all of you fellers…should have nice clean boots It'll prove to the rest of us…that you DO give a hoot Enough has been said now…and you've gotten the clue Merry Christmas to All…Merry Christmas to You!! M. Clary December 20, 2002

The Tale Of A Dirt Doctor

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

Y’all come ‘n listen….there’s a tale I’d like to share ‘bout a man named Howard Garrett….who made us all aware That bad things still are happening….to our planet, Earth So he introduced the ‘The Natural Way’….’n all that it is worth There are those who’ll turn their heads….’n look the other way They still hire Chem-Kill….use aerosol bug sprays It doesn’t seem to matter….the more chemicals they breathe Are destroying precious human cells….yet they do not believe Some time ago, a light went off….inside Howard’s head “I just cannot sit around….or the whole world could be dead. I am going to find a way….to get folks to agree.” So he opted for talk radio….on W B A P Soon he started talking….every week into that mike Wrote books, newspaper articles….went ‘TV public’ with his life Along with some great sponsors….and a dedicated ‘crew’ He moved forward with his mission….to kindly tell us what to do More folks began to listen….’n started calling in With questions ‘bout sick trees ‘n shrubs….plus little pesty friends Howard’s got an answer….if something doesn’t grow But he’s never been too proud to say….”I’ll find out, if I don’t know.” Now becoming all organic….is not a brand new science It’s getting back to basics….and forming an alliance To dispose of all the toxic junk….synthetics, carcinogens And holler at those scientists….at good ‘ol A & CheM” Now hear this ‘organiphobes’….just once, try Garrett Juice Build yourself a compost pile….turn it ‘n keep it loose Always aerate your soil….’n build organic content Very soon you’ll see results…..then wonder where the weeds went To you, ‘listeners of nature’….you know what causes harm Matters not if you’re a city slick….or grew up on a farm You’ve heard ‘bout the fire ants….’n sneaky little weevils How to avoid mosquito spraying….the bigger of those evils So, take this tale for what it’s worth….but force yourself to be Vigilant in writing EPA, FDA…..’n RISE in ‘ol DC Join Dirt Doctor’s Ground Crew….share his message everywhere Whenever there’s a Missing Link….Howard Garrett will be there!!! M.Clary March, 2004

A Trailerpark Christer Story

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

'Twas the week before Christer and me, Donnie Lee Went with momma to WalMart, to get pictures of me I got some new glasses, the 'duck' featherweight kind And we sipped on cappchino, while waitin' in line. My momma Doreen, she's done got a new style At Miss Dolly's Hair Heaven, 'cuzz it'd been quite awhile She was gettin' a perm, when it started to kink So Miss Dolly hid the back part, with a BIG ribbon of pink. My brother DelRoy, he's still sittin' in jail Doesn't eat a whole lot, that's why he's so frail He says jail cookin' keeps him nice and so trim And the muscles he sports? Works out at the gym. My granny D'Roselee is still a smokin' and bakin' But lately she's complained that her back's a been achin' So the family decided we'd all chip in and buy A back brace and cane from that flea market guy. My daddy Dexter's still in Arkansas Penn He'll get a visit from us, like the other prison men We'll bring him clean unders, some smokes, and Moon Pies And a book from the store called, "A Prisoner's Guide." We'll take along a poster-size print of his truck "Carwash Jinkins" did a good job, got it all dolled up Daddy will be grateful and he'll know who to thank 'Cuzz those men who done stole it, once robbed the town bank. Now little D'Twyluh – she's just so suuuuuweet Is a hopin' that Santy Claws will bring her some teeth She's now in 4th grade and the ones that she's missin' Are the ones she wants back, so she'll stop all that hissin.' Delvis Dee is still plannin' to become a physician He studies real hard and a he keeps on a wishin' That one day he'll make it to doctorin' school With his toy "Doctor's Kit," he's got all the right tools. Half-brother JimBob and Sharleen Poteet Still raise all those possum that are always in heat They got several hundred in a "lean-to" wood shed JimBob skinned a few once to make a hat for his head. My sister DeeLeen with her "Big 14" brood Says this Christer she ain't in a very good mood New husband Dewley done spent Section 8 dollars So life ain't so good down in Tuttweilers Holler. Cousins Jethro "Polecat" is now smellin' lots cleaner He also lost weight and is lookin' much leaner At nights he still plays in a rock 'n roll band But Saturdays 'n Sundays he's at the tomater stand. And Lawrence Winklemeister, this kid from my past Will get a new tombstone and this one should last It's made of fine marble from an Eyetalian quarry And not out of plastic. Now his momma won't worry. Remember those twins we use to throw things at? They went on some diet, now they ain't quite as fat They's now into high school and doin' real swell Why the girl she's a datin' some trucker named Dell. Of course we cannot forget 'ol Jake Scumm He's still riding' cycles and chewin' Skoal Gum After so many crashes, his speech ain't too good But he wears his blue helmet, like a boy in the hood. Last but not least is Big Uncle Marky He likes to wear minis when he goes to a party Cross dressin' to him is such a great gag The best part on him? A butt that don't sag. Merry Crister, Everbody!! M.Clary December 1, 2001

An Ode To ‘Ol Bob From North Carolina

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

The rumor mill dun told me…yew was goin' on vacayshuh I can see yer all x-cited…and filled with such elayshun For me? I won't be jellus…or feel hardly any gloom Cuzz while yew ain't around here…I'll have alot more room I noed yew is a goin'…with a buncha good 'ol buddies Sum I heer are "boozers"…and uthers "fuddie-duddies" But I want yew to reemember…that "Boats 'n Booze" don't mix So I'm sendin' somethin' with yew…if yew get in to a fix I was at a Sidewalk Sale…in a WalMart parkin'lot A pear of them cot my eye…and just had to be bot Uhv corse they R a name brand…one yew'd know quite well And they R in purrfict shape…plus I got 'em both on sail When yew board that thar wadder craft…wear these littul swimmies Keep 'em on specially when…yew try to dreenk and shimmy If by sum strange misshap…y'all fall off that big 'ol barge Yer buddies won't say to yer kin…"guess 'ol Bob is still at large" M.Clary June, 2001