In My Own Write

I DON’T CARE IF YOU MAKE FUN

OF COFFEE CUPS I USE

I’LL GRIN AND BEAR IT

ACCEPT THE INSULTS

THAT GO WITH “CUP ABUSE”

COMMODE, YOU SAY?

WELL, I DON’T KNOW, IF I AGREE WITH YOU

BUT THEN, AGAIN, ON SECOND THOUGHT

I COULD BUY SOMETHING NEW

HOWEVER, IT’S QUITE POSSIBLE

I MIGHT NOT BE AS HAPPY

IF I SHOULD SUBSTITUTE THIS PRECIOUS CUP

FOR ONE THAT’S OLD AND CRAPPY.

M. Schroeder

1986

THERE ONCE WAS A POLITICIAN NAMED CLINTON

WHO KEPT ONE MISTRESS WELL-HIDDEN

UNTIL ONE DAY, SHE DECIDED TO SAY:

“FIRST LAYDHOOD, I’D LIKE TO BE GETTING.”

 OF COURSE, BILL’S WIFE WAS SURPRISED

SHE CONFRONTED HIM WITH HER EVIL EYES

“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. YOU THINK YOU’RE TOUGH?

 YOU’D BE NOTHING WITHOUT ALL MY TIES!”

THE MEDIA HAD IT’S HEY-DAY

WHEN MS. HILLARY DECIDED TO SAY:

“I’M NO STAND BY YOUR MAN….WON’T BAKE, THOUGH I CAN

 BUT I’LL SUPPORT BILL IN EVERY WAY.

SO AS THEY CONTINUE THEIR PLIGHT

BILL ‘N HILL WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT

 ‘N GOVERNOR JERRY (BROWN) WILL ALWAYS BE WARY

FOR HE KNOW’S THEY CAN’T TELL WRONG FROM RIGHT !!

M. SCHROEDER

 1992

I THINK THAT I SHALL ALWAYS CRAVE

THOSE PRUNES WITH PITS THAT I SHALL SAVE

TO START A COLLECTION OF DIFFERENT SIZES

WITH SOME CONTAINING UNUSUAL SURPRISES

SURPRISES THAT MAY INCLUDE A WORM

ALL PETRIFIED IN GLORY….NO WAY TO SQUIRM

OR MIGHT I FIND SOMETHING RARE

THAT I COULD CHERISH AND POSSIBLY WEAR?

OH WELL, OH DEAR, OH PRUNES DON’T FEAR

YOUR LEGACY SPEAKS FROM THE REAR

NO MATTER WHAT THEY ALL MAY SAY

 I’LL STILL EAT MY PRUNES, EVERY DAY

M. Schroeder

January, 1990

THE THIN, TATOOED TUTOR TOLD THE THIRTY-THREE TUTEES THAT THEIR TENDENCY TO TOLERATE TIGHT TANGERINE TUTUS THREATENED THEATRICAL THEORY.

THINKING THIS THROUGH, THE TEQUILA-TIPSY, TITILLATING TUTEES TOE-DANCED THEIR TEN TINY TOES TO TWANGY TRUMPET TUNES, TRYING TO TUNEUP THEIR TAP-DANCING TROUPE TRAVELING ‘TIL TWILIGHT TO TORONTO, TOMORROW (TUESDAY).

THEN, THURSDAY, THE TROUPE OF TUTEES TRAVEL TO TOLEDO, TULSA, TIPPECANOE, TIJUANA, THEN TO TIMBUKTU TO TAKE THE TUTOR’S TOUPEE TO TERRANCE THE TURBAN-WEARING, TRIPLE-TANNED, TUBA-TOTING, TROUBLE-MAKING TWIT TO TRY TIDYING THE TINTED, TYE-DYED, TRI-COLORED, TOUSLED TRESSES. 

THINKING THIS THROUGH, TERRANCE TOLD THE TRIO (TYLER, TROY, TRENT) TO TAKE THE TOUPEE TO TWO TWENTY-TWO TENNINGTON TERRACE TO TRY TRANSFORMING THE TRENDY TRIBAL TRESSES THROUGH TRAUMATIZATION!!

M. Schroeder

Late 1980’s

Well, I came to Alabama

Drove southwest to Orrville town

Stopped to eat at CORNER OAKS

The best restaurant around

A fine old mansion; I was impressed

So I stepped inside to see

Was greeted by the friendly folk

That southern hospitality

I ordered stir-fry vegetables

With shrimp scattered through and through

It was seasoned with a special spice

And I didn’t have a clue

So I asked the waitress, Ollie

But she would not spill the beans

For Chef Bill’s secret recipe

Could not be shared, it seems

I begged and pleaded on bended knee

So she went back to the kitchen

And very soon, Chef Bill appeared

Smiling, ’cause I had mentioned

That his cooking I so much enjoyed

And the magic from his pan

Would remain within my memory

I’d be his biggest fan

I suppose he took some pity

Upon this gal from way out west

He gave me the information

So I wouldn’t have to guess

M. Schroeder

April 26, 1991

[Tune: Beverly Hillbillies] COME LISTEN TO A TALE ABOUT A MAN, KENTUCKY-BRED A “NATURALLY-BORN MALE” AS MAMA ALWAYS SAID THEN ONE DAY SHE SENT DENNIS OUT THE DOOR TO TOSS IN HIS HAT FOR LT. GOVERNOR Kiwanis, That Is…Division Three-Seven…T.O. DISTRICT HE GOT IN ALL HIS SCHOOLIN’, THEN WORE MILITARY BLUE OFF TO LUBBOCK, TEXAS, WHERE HE PILOTED AND FLEW A SHORT TIME LATER, HE WAS TEACHING MEN TO FLY THE BEST AND FASTEST CRAFTS EVER IN THE SKY T-38’s, That Is…Talon’s…Sleek MONTHS TURNED TO YEARS, THEN HE WAS REDEPLOYED OFF TO SPOKANE, WASHINGTON; OH, HE WAS OVERJOYED IN THE NAVIGATOR PROGRAM OR THE “BOMB N.A.U.” TO FLY THE BIGGEST BOMBER – THE B52 Stratofortress, That Is…Buff…Big Ugly Fat Fella HE MADE SOME GOOD CONNECTIONS AND WAS REASSIGNED ONTO NEBRASKA, THEN THE SOUTH DAKOTA LINE TO COMMAND A SQUADRON AND FURTHER HIS CAREER BUT SANDRA SAID, “I’M LEAVIN’ IF WE STAY ANOTHER YEAR.” Desolation, That Is…No Fun…No Social Life HE GOT DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND PRAYED LIKE YOU’D NEVER SEEN AND GOT HIS NEXT ASSIGNMENT AT THE BASE IN ABILENE 500 MEN AND WOMEN WORKED TO TRY AND KEEP THE PEACE WHILE DENNIS GAVE THE ORDERS AS THE CHIEF OF POLICE Lawman, That Is…Staff Car…Notariety WELL, FINALLY HE RETIRED; PUT HIS UNIFORM TO REST BECAME A PAROLE OFFICER; MADE McKINNEY, TX HIS NEST IN ’91 HE JOINED A CLUB FULL OF GALS AND GENTS AND A SHORT TIME LATER, HE BECAME ITS PRESIDENT Leader, That Is…Kiwanian Of The Year…Twice !! DENNIS IS THE KIND OF GUY WHO ALWAYS VOLUNTEERS ATTENDS THE WEEKLY MEETINGS; SAWDUST BEHIND HIS EARS HIS T’s AND JEANS ARE COVERED; HE ALWAYS LOOKS THE SAME WHETHER HE’S A HELPIN’ OR BOWLIN’ 300 GAMES Amazing, That Is…Underwhelming…Sometimes NOW AS I CONCLUDE THIS SONG, I WANT YOU TO TAKE HEED DENNIS ROBERT WILLIAMS IS THE KIND OF MAN WE NEED TO REPRESENT OUR DISTRICT; HE’S REALLY QUITE A GUY HIS FIRST CAMPAIGN PROMISE IS TO “WEAR A COAT AND TIE!!” M. Clary March 1, 1999

An XM DJ, who loves the letter P (Ph, that is) Told me to enter, this contest for free He did not elaborate; said "Maybe you will win a trip to a place where you've never been!" Again, he did not elaborate; I had no details He said, "Send the letters XM inside your email" So this is exactly what I have just done I hope this is legit, as it sure sounds like fun. I've not been out of Texas, in many, many years 'n Fort Lauderdale, FL, has great weather, I hear I can certainly tell, all of you this To have a vacation, would be my fondest wish So let me know, just what I must do To enter this contest; please send me the rules If there is a form, that I must fill out Send it to me, as I'll have no doubt. That I'd like to truly, win this vacation You can rest assured, I'll be filled with elation The Sunshine State, Florida, is one place to be And beautiful Fort Lauderdale is waiting for me!! M.Clary October 14, 2004

Romano’s Macaroni Grill Is A Wonderful Place To Dine When You Cannot Eat Inside Use The “Take Out” Line If You’re Having A Party Let Them Be Your Chef You Will Be The “Shining Star” With Little Food Ever Left They Always Have Variety Italian Menu, “Superb” Selections “Favorites” Remain A Constant’ But They’re Open To New Suggestions All You Truly Need To Do Is Let Them “Hear From You” They Do Listen To Their Guests The Way A Business Should Do Stop By For Lunch Or Dinner They’d Love For You To Join ‘N Try Their New Entrée Salads The Rossa Or Grilled Tenderloin Perhaps, Lobster Ravioli Veal Parmesan With A Glass Of Wine Whatever Your Palate Desires Well-Spent Will Be Your Time Therefore, Please, May I Impose Try At Least One Meal? No Doubt You’ll Be Delighted And Understand Just How I Feel It’s Like Sitting In The Kitchen Of A Happily-Cooking Italian Mom To Find Out More About Them? Internet: www.macaronigrill.com M. Clary August 1, 2004

You wonder why the traffic's bad When you drive to work? It's all due to growing pains Not from any other quirk Blame developers for gridlock They don't build widened roads For all the people who buy their homes While filling their pockets with the Mother Load It appears that for a long, long time You'll just have to bear the wait On those single-laned country roads That will cause you to be late I’m afraid it’ll take a lifetime Though some roads have come of age As they’ve become “Eight Lanes Of Craze” Resulting in Road Rage!! M.Clary February, 2004

I decided one day to get away And do some serious thinking I took along my dearest friend My guitar…which I plan on keeping It's always been my closest friend Never criticizes if I do wrong Allowing me to turn my feelings Into musical notes and song It helps me overcome my fears It gives me an inner peace Not sure how I'd ever do without it As it brings such great release I know it has also helped me To enhance my musical gift I will treasure it forever and always As it gives my insides "a lift!" M.Clary February 2004